Awesome
Future-Focused Communication
Introduction
“Watch your thoughts; they become your words… Watch your words; they become your actions… Watch your actions; they become your habits… Watch your habits; they become your character… Watch your character, for it will become your destiny.” (Talmud)
I think you can't influence your thoughts directly. But you can influence your words, the way you communicate.
First FFC means communicating with yourself. What do you want? This is very hard. Sooner or later we are all going to die. All your money, cars, real estate won't change this. What do you want to be written on your grave? I guess not "workaholic". So if you think about what you want, please think beyong money, cars and real estate. If "family" is not part of it, then please think about this again.
Second FFC means: listening. What do the people in your circle of influence want? If you just think the way you think, without doing a retrospective, it is likely that you focus too much on your needs. "Success" means to earn appreciation. Appreciation in form of applaus, love or money (depending of the context). If you focus on your needs, than it is likely that you get what you want. But is this realy what you want? Isn't it more fun to share the success with a group of friends?
Third FFC means: The way you talk. Bei polite, be friendly. You are disappointed or even angry? That's your issue. Don't influence people with your temporary negative emotions. It is likely that you need their help in the future, so try to relax. Don't kill the creativity, joy and motiviation of your peers by putting your inner pressure on them. Differentiate between "urgent" and "important" (Eisenhover matrix). Try to avoid urgency. Urgency is nice in sports (table tennis for example). But on most other caes "urgent" is evil. Important things need their time.
future-focused: Which benefits do you see?
Old: Why?
future-focused: Which benefits do you see?
There is a book called Start with why but I disagree. You can start with "why?" if you are thinking about your own ideas. Or if you are talking to a friend which you know very well. But we are humans, not robots. The "why?" question is useful, but don't use it immediately. This question can feel like a passive-aggressive question.
There is a method called Five whys but use it with caution. People usually don't like it if they get asked "why?" too often. And if you do it again and again, people won't approach you in the future. And I guess that's not what you want.
This gets seconded by Michael Bungay Stanier in his book "The Coaching Habit".
future-focused: How can I help you?
Old: What do you want?
future-focused: How can I help you?
Like "Why?" the question "What do you want?" is too direct. It sounds unfriendly, although this might not be your intention.
Be open, show that you are friendly and that you have time and use "How can I help you?" instead of "What do you want?"
future-focused: Silence
Old: I don't care
Future-focused: I say nothing, or choose another topic for conversation or say "I don't know".
"I don't care" sounds rude. But on the other side, I think "I don't care" is a very healthy attitude in the 21 century. Daily several hundred things which look important hit your brain. People are dying all over the planet, and you don't care? I try to focus on my small area of influence. In my area, I can change things. Having strong feelings for things outside my circle of influence costs me mental energy.
If I can't influence the situation, then I can't help.
If I can't help and I don't know the suffering people, then it does not change the situation if I have empathy or not.
I support charitable organizations. That is something I can do and I do it. This makes my world view coherent. This gives me the right to think "I don't care" to all the bad things which happen far away since I did something (like Indulgence)
Unfortunately, this sounds aggressive and that's why I avoid saying "I don't care". I say nothing, or "I don't know" or I choose another topic for conversation. A topic that is my/our area of influence. I don't want to waste too much time talking about things I can't influence.
If you are in an environment where you think "I don't care" very often and you are not able to choose another topic for conversation very, then it is very likely that you are in an environment which usually gets called "school". Grab a pen and paint something. Write down the things the teacher said. Focus on your goal: to graduate from school.
future-focused: I don't understand this.
Old: That's nonsense/rubbish/stupid.....
future-focused: I don't understand this.
Just because I don't understand the meaning of something does not mean that there is no meaning.
Are you curious or are you not curious? I think this question depends on a lot of your current state of mental energy.
On Monday morning you are much more curious than on Friday afternoon.
But even on Friday afternoon, you could schedule an appointment for next week to meet the person who seems to do nonsense/rubbish/stupid things. Ask him to explain his intention, his goal.
Avoid "I told you so"
"I told you so" hurts. What could you say instead? Maybe ignore the past and focus on the future. You could say "....."
Why is "future-focused" difficult?
It is easy to talk about things you can see, feel and touch. Or things from the past which you can recall easily.
Talking about imaginary things is more difficult.
I think that's the reason why people prefer to talk about the current state or the past.
When to apply future-focused communication?
According to the book The 7 Habits you should "Seek first to understand, then to be understood". According to the book The coaching habit you should "tame the advice monster in you".
I like both books very much and recommend them.
Rule #1: Don't tell anybody that he is using a backward-looking communication and that he/she should use a future-focused communication. This meta-level is disrespectful.
Rule #2: Listen, give empathy
Rule #3: Let one or two days pass. Then approach the fellow again and try to focus on the future.
Rule #4: If you like future-focused communication, then advertise it. But don't do it if you are discussing problems (See Rule #1).
The opposite: Vague and confusing communication
Let's have a look at a different way to communicate: Sentences that express the need for a change without any particular hint how the goal looks like.
Imagine you are a small ant. You have 360° around you. This is one full turn. You want to help someone. But this someone does not tell you the direction. You just get the hint that your current direction is wrong. This is confusing. Now you know that one of 360 options is wrong. Leaving you with 359 options :-(
- I am not amused.
- This is not how I imagined it.
- That is not right.
- That is not correct.
- Don't make it too complicated.
- I don't want it to be like that.
- That is confusing because .... (following a long explanation why this is confusing. And of course no proposal for how to improve it gets done).
Or pseudo wise quotes like:
- Use the right tool for the job (This is even worse. This is like "one plus one is two". It contains no useful content)
- It depends.
Don't start and try to make someone happy after he used vague and confusing sentences like above.
Avoid guessing.
He/she should tell you what he/she wants.
A lot of people (me too) have a bit of a Negativity Bias. This kind of people focuses on the things which are not perfect yet. Like searching easter eggs it is fun if you have found a mistake.
Don't let this bring you down.
Try to focus on the future and try to find concrete goals to solve these little "not yet perfect" issues.
About "being right"
- "This is not correct"
- "We discussed this in the last call. (then some text why the other person is wrong)" ...
Avoid that. Even if the other person is super stupid. Don't say he/she is wrong. Even if it has been discussed several times. Then just explain it again. And maybe create a documen together with written agreements. But don't just say "We discussed this in the last call, because ...". Just focus on "...". Avoid this disrespectfull "We discussed this in the last call.".
Phrases
- You have not understood me
- That's not what I said
- That's not right
.... all theses phrases look into the past. It's useless, avoid it.
Problems vs Goals
Some people like to talk about problems. I think it makes more sense to talk about goals.
Why is it so common for people to diagnose others with mental disorders?
Don't ask me. To diagnose people is about talking about the past. It has no goal. It is gossip.
Everybody has its own impression
"We should do more ....."
I don't like this general and vague blabla.
Who is "we"? Why does one person think that his/her impressions and goals are shared by the whole group?
I prefer to create a list the feasible specific options. Then discuss, then decide, then do it.
We are all addicted to news
I am addicted to news, you are addicted to news, we are all addicted to news.
Everybody loves different news, but somehow every human being is very curious.
Where does it come from? Have a look at birds pecking for earthworms. How much time do they peck?
The numbers just rough numbers from my subjective observations:
- 50% of the time is spent looking to the left and right. Maybe there is a big aggressive cat?
- 10% of the time is spent attacking other birds which want to peck in the same area.
- 40% of the time is spent pecking.
We are a bit smarter, but not much.
We still fear that there could be something (like a big aggressive cat). "Am I safe here?" this question gets asked constantly in our brains. TODO Add resource
Future Focused Communication makes you more productive since it raises awareness, that you can learn from the past. But if you want to change something, the past won't help you much. You need a clear goal. You can only influence the future, that's why this perspective should get more focus.
But how is our addiction to news related to Future-Focused Communication?
News are not new. As soon as the news reaches our ear or your eye, they tell a story from the past. It is called "news", but nevertheless it is outdated, it happened some hours ago.
Imagine the earth would be ten times bigger: Ten times more crazy presidents, ten times more earthquakes and storms which kill thousand people, ten-time more fanatics which do a suicide attack, ten times more so-called "very important people" like movie stars which do very strange things ..... Who cares? You care, but does it make sense?
What is inside your circle of influence and what is outside of your circle of influence? Your family members, your neighbors, your customers, your teammates ... all the people you meet have goals. It is hard, since our eyes love everything which moves and our ears love sweet-talking and gossip!
It would be an endless battle which you will never win, if you would like to get rid of your news addiction. It is a fundamental part of you.
It is useful to be aware of it.
In above text I used the word "news". But I could have used the word "input", too. Since I studied computer science I like the term input, since we humans follow the simple Input-Processing-Output cycle like all living creatures.
There are several mindfullness exercise, which help you to sharpen you focus. They give you some free time. Time with no or very little input/news.
I like this one: Passive Protocol of thoughts
make fun of someone
You can make fun of someone. In business context there are several groups which you could make fun of: Customers, competitors, managers, C-level, co-workers, people reporting to you, cleaning staff. Do you see additional groups? Then please add them to the list. Which of these groups is it okay to make fun of? Take your time to think about it.
.... none. Just don't do it. Period.
If you have an actionable and realizable idea how to improve something, then speak up.
The same goes for "complaining about someone".
"I am happy because ...." and the result
International Team call. Time for smalltalk. Someone from an foreign country explained that it is hard to get a new appartment. To get a new appartment you deal with corrupt people. It is like a Mafia he said.
I said "I am happy because I live in Germany and the average people are forced to deal with corrupt people".
The result. Someone told me how corrupt Germany is. This is bad and that is bad ....
This is just an example. I have seen it several times before. I say "I am happy because ...". And immediately someone lists me all these things which are not perfect.
Grrr.
"I am happy because .." feeds the troll. Don't talk like this. Focus on the future. "How to get to ...?" is more productive.
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About
My name is Thomas Güttler. Born in 1976 in Germany.
Feedback is welcome! Please tell me what you think! Hints to typos or unclear sentences are welcome (I guess there are many)